Running From Love

On Sunday I am leaving Germany for good. I leave behind my boyfriend and the many friends and memories I have made this year. I can't imagine my life anywhere else, but it's time to go. I have no idea how to say goodbye to the man I have loved here. He has seen the highs and lows of my experience as an au pair. He has held my hand through the hard times, traveled with me, introduced me to the special people in his life. He has fed, sheltered and supported me in every way. I will never be able to repay or thank him enough. 

My heart is breaking. I am scared I am making the wrong decision. Why am I running from love? The answer for me is I have to. I can't live my life in a way that would not fully satisfy me for just one person, when that person is not me. Maybe that's selfish. But right now that's the choice we've made together. We don't know what the future holds, if our paths will one day cross again. It seems unlikely, but I know even if I never see him again. I won't forget nor regret falling in love so unexpectedly. It makes leaving even harder, but I wouldn't change my experience for the world. Loving without expectation and with uncertainty of the future is the most pure love I have both given and received. Every single day counts. 

Reminder for Today

I think sometimes we could all use this reminder. I hate that my first instinct in some situations is to put down another person. I make a conscious effort not to do this, but sometimes I slip up. An example from recent times is leaving my host family early. I wanted to blame everything on my host parents and point out all their flaws. In reality I know I am nowhere near perfect. I am most defintely not the perfect au pair. And what's done is done. Putting them down doesn't make me a better person, in fact it probably produces quite the opposite. It doesn't change the situation, so I think in that experience,  it was best to keep my mouth closed altogether. 

Thought of the Day

Hands up if you agree with this. 

Well I sure see my own hand being raised here. Going through hard times, through the difficult parts of life is not what I would call enjoyable. Often during these times, I'm thinking to myself "this better be worth it in the end", and usually it is. These times are when I find my strength. I find out what's important to me. So I am thankful for my struggles, they have made me who I am today. And today I am strong.